Gracefully Written

spilled milk

ever since i was a little girl, kicking my feet in the front seat of your disgusting, worn out station wagon, listening to the men on the radio talk about which "B I T C H" did what which day, and how fat they looked; 
the talk show you had on constantly and ignored my voice to;

ever since i was a little girl, in that passengers seat that got so stick in the texas summer heat no matter where we were going or when we were going there, the sticky multicolored fibers coated the back of my legs and made me feel endlessly dirty; 
the thing you said was no big deal but made me feel like i had pissed in my pants and rolled in the mud;

ever since i was a little girl, in the passengers seat of the car that got so hot that my cheeks would flush bright red and my throat would feel tight, even if it was cold outside i would hack and react to the smells and colony of different mold that lined the carpets and made my feet itch when i wore sandals; 
the rash and wheeze i always had after being in that car and nothing else that you said i was faking;

ever since i was a little girl, humming and tapping my tiny feet against the car door to keep myself busy and sniffling snot as far up into a tiny sinus cavity as snot could, chewing on my pencil and trying to respond correctly so as not to upset the balance of conversation like you hated me to do; 
the attitude problem i have with authority, men, and not respecting you as a father that you always chastised me about that was really just me feeling uncomfortable at such unpredictable and intrusive topics of conversation, on top of being autistic;

ever since i was a little girl, you told me not to cry over spilled milk, as if the problems i face as survivor and chronically ill neurodivergent human being are not just as valid as your mid-life pedophilic ones were. 

spilled milk can be wiped up, mopped up, washed out, and taken care of in general; it is temporary. another example would be your strength in whatever lord it is you claim to serve as a grown man that likes little girls sexually, and your will to remain compliant with the law that 18 is the legal age for a reason and it is not normal or ethical for grown man to crave teenagers sexually; those are both temporary, stay with me.

my experience on my own life and what i have lived through is not.
my pain and illness and suffering are not.
my fight is not.